The Zahir

The Zahir - A Novel of Obsession

Published in 2005
Mountain in Pyrenees - Caulho climbed before writing this book.

According to the writer Jorge Luis Borges, the idea of the Zahir comes from Islamic tradition and is thought to have arisen at some point in the eighteenth century. Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness.

What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it?
Luke 15:4

[passage]
But what is freedom?
I've spent a large part of my life enslaved to one thing or another, so I should know the meaning of the word. Ever since I was a child, I have fought to make freedom my most precious commodity. I fought with my parents, who wanted me to be an engineer, not a writer. I fought with other boys at school, who immediately homed in on me as the butt of their cruel jokes, and only after much blood had flowed from my nose and from theirs, only after many afternoons when i had to hide my scars from my mother - because it was up to me, not her , to solve my problems - did i manage to show them that I could take a thrashing without bursting into tears. I fought to get a job to support myself, and went to work as a delivery man for a hardware store, so as to be free from that old line in family blackmail: "We'll give you money, but you'll have to do this, this, and this."
pg8

[passage]
While I was fighting, I heard other people speaking in the name of freedom, and the more they defended this unique right, the more enslaved they seemed to be to their parents' wishes, to a marriage in which they had promised to stay with the other person "for the rest of their lives", to the bathroom scales, to their diet, to half-finished projects, to lovers to whom they were incapable of saying "No" or "It's Over", to weekends when they were obliged to have lunch with people they didn't even like. Slaves to luxury, to the appearance of luxury, to the appearance of the appearance of luxury. Slaves to a life they had not chosen, but which they had decided to live because someone had managed to convince them that it was all for the best. And so their identical days and nights passed, days and nights in which adventure was just a word in a book or an image on the television that was always on, and whenever a door opened, they would say: "I'm not interested. I'm not in the mood".
pg 9

[passage]
"Free again, but it's just a feeling; freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose - and commit myself to - what is best for me."
pg 16

[passage]
I was a member of secret societies, I became involved in exotic sects, I bought obscure, extremely expensive books, spent an enormous amount of time performing rituals and invocations. I was always joining and leaving different groups and fraternities, always thinking that i had finally met the person who could reveal to me the mysteries of the invisible world, but in the end I was always disappointed to discover that most of these people, however well-intentioned, were merely following this or that dogma and tended to be fanatics, because fanaticism is the only way to put an end to the doubts that constantly trouble the human soul.
pg 25

[passage]
"Some people appear to be happy, but they simply don't give the matter much thought. Others make plans: I'm going to have a husband, a home, two children, a house in the country. As long as they're busy doing that, they're like bulls looking for the bull-fighter: they react instinctively, they blunder on, with no idea where the target is. They get their car, sometimes they even get a Ferrari, and they think that's the meaning of life, and they never question it. Yet their eyes betray the sadness that even they don't know they carry in their soul. Are you happy?"
"I don't know"
"I don't know if everyone is unhappy. I know they're all busy working overtime, worrying about their children, their husband, their career, their degree, what they're going to do tomorrow, what they need to buy, what they need to have in order not to feel inferior, etc. Very few people actually say to me: "I'm unhappy". Most say: "I'm fine, I've everything I ever wanted." Then I ask: "what makes you happy?" Answer: "I've got everything a person could possibly want - a family, a home, work, good health". I ask again "Have you ever stopped to wonder if that's all there is to life?" Answer: "Yes that's all there is." I insist: "So the meaning of life is work, family, children who will grow and leave you, a wife or husband who will become more like a friend than a real lover. And, of course, one day your work will end too. What will you do when that happens?" Answer: There is no answer. They change the subject."
"No what they say is: "When the children have grown up, when my husband or my wife has become more my friend than my passionate lover, when I retire, then I'll have time to do what i always wanted to do: travel." Question: "But didn't you say you were happy now? Aren't you already doing what you always wanted to do?" Then they say they're very busy and change the subject".
pg 35

[passage]
"Years ago, I read a book that told an interesting story. Just suppose that Hitler had won the war, wiped out all the Jews and convinced his people that there were really was such a thing as a master race. The history books started to be changed, and a hundred years later, his successors manage to wipe out al the Indians. Three hundred years later and the Blacks have been eliminated too. It takes five hundred years, but, finally, the all-powerful war machine succeeds in erasing all Asians from the face of the earth as well. The history books speak of remote battles waged against barbarians, but no one reads too closely, because it's of no importance. Two thousand years after the birth of Nazism, in a bar in Tokyo, a city that has been inhabited for five centuries now by tall, blue-eyed people, Hans and Fritz are enjoying a beer. At one point, Hans looks at Fritz and asks: "Fritz, do you think it was always like this?"
"What?" asks Fritz.
"The world."
"Of course the world was always like this, isn't that what we were taught?"
"Of course, I don't know what made me ask such a stupid question", says Hans. They finish their beer, talk about other things and forget the question entirely".
pg 37

[passage]
"I don't know. And I'm not saying that I'm unhappy all the time. I have fun, I love you, I adore my work. Yet now and then, I feel this profound sadness, occasionally mingled with feelings of guilt or fear; the feeling passes, but always comes back later on, and then passes off again. Like Hans, I ask the same question; when I can't answer it, I simply forget. I could go and help starving children, set a foundation for street children, start trying to save people in the name of Jesus, do something that would give me the feeling I was being useful, but i don't want to."
"So why do you want to go cover this war?"
"Because I think that in time of war, men live life at the limit; after all, they could die the next day. Anyone living like that must act differently."
"So you want to find an answer to Hans's question?"
"Yes, I do."
pg 39

It's not life that matters, but the journey.
pg 51

[passage]
"...You've often said that absolute freedom doesn't exist; what does exist is the freedom to choose anything you like and then commit yourself to that decision. The closer I was to my neighbor, the more I admired you: a man who decided to go on loving the wife who had abandoned him and who wanted nothing more to do with him. You not only decided to do that, you made your decision public. This is what you say in your book; it's a passage I know by heart:
"When I had nothing more to lose, I was given everything. When I ceased to be who I am, I found myself. When I experienced humiliation and yet kept on walking, I understood that i was free to choose my destiny. Perhaps there's something wrong with me, I don't know, perhaps my marriage was a dream I couldn't understand while it lasted. All I know is that even though I can live without her, I would still like to see her again, to say what I never said when we were together: I love you more than I love myself. If I could say that, then I could go on living, at peace with myself, because that love has redeemed me."
pg 71

[passage]
"I'm not sure, but it did allow me to see that, paradoxical thought it may seem, people are happy when they're at war. For them, the world has meaning. As I said before, total power or sacrificing themselves for a cause gives meaning to their lives. They are capable of limitless love, because they no longer have anything to lose. A fatally wounded soldier never asks the medical team: "Please save me!" His last words are usually: "Tell my wife and my son that I love them". At the last moment, they speak of love!"
"So, in your opinion, human beings only find life meaningful when they're at war".
"But we're always at war. We're at war with death, and we know that death will win in the end. In armed conflicts, this is simply more obvious, but the same thing happens in daily life. We can't allow ourselves the luxury of being unhappy all the time".
"What do you want me to do?"
"I need help. And that doesn't mean saying to me, "Go and hand in your notice," because that would only leave me feeling even more confused that before. We need to find a way of channelling all this, of allowing the energy of this pure, absolute love to flow through our bodies and spread around us. The only person so far who helped me understand this is a rather otherworldly interpreter who says he's had revelations about this energy."
"Are you talking about the love of God?"
"If someone is capable of loving his partner without restrictions, unconditionally, then he is manfesting the love of God. If the love of God becomes manifest, he will love his neighbor. If he loves his neighbor, he will love himself. If he loves himself, then everything returns to its proper place. History changes."
"History will never change because of politics or conquests or theories or wars; that's mere repetition, it's been going on since the beginning of time. History will only change when we are able to use the energy of love, just as we use the energy of the wind, the seas, the atom."
"Do you think we two could save the world?"
"I think there are more people out there who think the same way. Will you help me?"
"Yes, as long as you tell what i have to do"
"But that's precisely what I don't know!"
pg 90

[passage]
"...First, that as soon as people decide to confront a problem, they realize that they are far more capable than they thought they were. Second, that all energy and all knowledge come from the same unknown source, which we usually call God. What I've tried to do in my life, ever since I first started out on what i believe to be my path, is to honor that energy, to connect up with it every day, to allow myself to be guided by the signs, to learn by doing and not by thinking about doing.
"Third, that no one is alone in their troubles; there is always someone else thinking, rejoicing or suffering the challenge before us."
"Does this include suffereing for love?"
"It includes everything. If there is suffering, then its best to accept it, because it won't go away just because you pretend its not there. If there is joy, then its best to accept it too, even thought you're afraid it might end one day. Some people can only relate to life through sacrifice and renunciation. Some peoplecan only feel part of humanity when they think they are happy. But why all these questions?"
"Because I'm in love and I'm afraid of suffering."
"Don't be afraid; the only to avoid that suffering would be to refuse to love."
pg108

[passage]
"It has everything to do with marriage and with the two stories we have just heard. At some point in history, someone turned up and said: When two people get married, they must stay frozen like that for the rest of their lives. You will move along side by side like two tracks, keeping always that same distance apart. Even if sometimes one of you needs to be a little farther away or a little closer, that is against the rules. The rules say: Be sensible, think of the future, think of your children. You can change, you must be like two railway tracks that remain the same distance apart all the way from their point of departure to their destination. The rules don't allow for love to change, or to grow at the start and diminish halfway through - it's too dangerous. And so after the enthusiasm of the first few years, they maintain the same distance, the same solidity, the same function nature. Your purpose is to allow the train bearing the survival of the species to head off into the future: your children will only be happy if you stay just as you were - 143.5 centimeters apart. If you're not happy with something that never changes, think of them, think of the children you brought into the world.
"Think of your neighbors. Show them that you're happy, eat roast beef on Sundays, watch television, help the community. Think of society. Dress in such a way that everyone knows you're in perfect harmony. Never glance to the side, someone might be watching you, and that could bring temptation; it could mean divorce, crisis, depression.
"Smile in all photos. Put the photos in the living room, so that everyone can see them. Cut the grass, practice a sport - oh, yes, you must practice a sport in order to stay frozen in time. When sport isn't enough, have plastic surgery. But never forget these rules were established long ago and must be respected. Who established these rules? That doesn't matter. Don't question them, because they will always apply, even if you don't agree with them."
118

[passage]
We had our ups and downs; one or other of us had occassionally threatened to leave for good; and yet we continued on together.
Until two years ago.
Or until the moment when she began to want to know why she was unhappy.
No one should ever ask themselves that: Why am I unhappy? The question carries within it the virus that will destroy everything. If we ask that question, it means we want to find out what makes us happy. If what makes us happy is different from what we have now, then we must either change once and for all or stay as we are, feeling even more unhappy.
120

[passage]
The most important thing in all human relationships is conversation, but people don't talk anymore, they don't sit down to talk and listen to the radio, read books, but they almost never talk. If we want to change the world, we have to go back to a time when warriors would gather around a fire and tell stories.
125

[passage]
"War doesn't leave me time to think. I simply am, full stop."
133

[passage]
And that the meaning went far beyond my marriage; all men and all women are connected by an energy which people call love, but which is, in fact, the raw material from which the universe was built. This energy cannot be manipulated, it leads us gently forward, it contains all we have to learn in this life. If we try to make it go in the direction we want, we end up desperate, frustrated, disillusioned, because that energy is free and wild.
We could spend the rest of our life saying that we love such a person or thing, when the truth is that we are merely suffering because, instead of accepting love's strength, we are trying to diminish it so that it fits the world in which we imagine we live.
The more I thought about this, the weaker the Zahir became and the closer I moved to myself. I prepared myself mentally to do a great deal of work, work that would require much silence, meditation, and perseverance. The accident had helped me understand that i could not force something that had not yet reached its time to sew.
145

[passage]
"I've written a boook about her visions and I had to study the matter closely," I say. "I read everything that was published about it at the end of the 19th century; i had access to Bernadette's many statements to the police, to the church and to scholars. At no point does she say that she saw a woman; she insists it was a girl. She repeated the same story all her life and was deeply angered by the statue that was placed in the grotto; she said it bore no resemblance to her vision, because she had seen a little girl, not a woman. Nevertheless, the chruch appropriated the story, the visions, and the place and transformed the apparition into the Mother of Jesus, and the truth was forgotten, If a lie is repeated often enough, it ends up convincing everyone. THe only difference is that 'the little girl' - as Bernadette always referred to her - had a name."
"What was it?", asks Mikhail
"I am the Immaculate Conception."
165

[passage]
"I reminded him that he knows my story: the little girl, the voice, the attacks that allow me to hear things that other people do not know. He says this is just part of my illness; there is only one prophet, Mohammed, and everything that needed to be said has already been revealed. This, he goes on, does not mean that the devil is not still abroad in the world, using all kinds of tricks - including a supposed ability to foresee the future - to deceive the weak and lure people away from the true faith. He had given me a job because Islam demands that we should be charitable, but now he deeply regretted it: I am clearly either a tool of the secret services or an envoy of the devil.
170
---> DK: This was particularly interesting because most Christians blame anything that is not explainable that is supernatural to the devil as well. Funny how monotheistic religions pass the blame so quickly instead of being open minded that maybe there are some things that we can not explain that can still attributed to God.

[passage]
"At last we are ushered in. By acting as interpreter at that interview and by reading and rereading Esther's article when it was published, I learn several things I needed to know.
"Esther asks why people are sad.
" 'That's simple', says the old man. 'They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. THey never ask if that plan is theirs or if t was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people's ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams.'
"Esther remarks that many people say to her, 'You're lucky, you know what you want from life, whereas I don't even know what I want to do.'
" 'Of course they know', replies the nomad. 'How many people do you know who say: I've never done what I wanted, but then, that's life. If they say they haven't done what they wanted, then, at some point, they must have known what it was that they did want. As for life, it's just a story that other people tells us about the world and about how we should behave in the world.'
" 'Even worse are those people that say: I'm happy because I'm sacrificing my life for those I love.'
" 'And do you think that the people who love us want to see us suffereing for their sakes? Do you think that love is a source of suffering?'
" 'To be honest, yes'
" 'Well, it shouldn't be.'
177
---> DK: reminds me of John Galt's speech that people sacrifice happiness for duty. When people do this they deserve to be unhappy because they are not going after their own happiness or doing something because they agree with it or because it makes themselves happy. They do it because they 'have to', which is entirely idiotic.


[passage]
" '.... and, after a while, by despair, fear, loneliness, and your attempts to control the uncontrollable. According to the tradition of the steppes - which is known as the Tengri - in order to live fully, it is necessary to be in constant movement; only then can each day be different from the last.
178
---> DK: Consistent with the conclusion that i have come across that all human beings need to progress or they will eventually be destroyed both mentally then physically.

[passage]
"Yes, and how he might have lost them or given them away, or else they might have turned out to be more expensive than expected, etc. Don't worry, I know there are no absolute answers. But first, did Joan of Arc suffer from epilepsy?"
"Oddly enough, my friend mentioned her during our conversation. Joan of Arc started hearing voices when she was 13. Her statements reveal that she saw lights, which is one of the symptoms of an attack. According to the neurologist, Dr. Lydia Bayne, the warrior-saint's ecstatic experiences were caused by what we now call musicogenic epilepsy, which is provoked by hearing a particular kind of sound or music: in Joan's case it was the sound of bells.
187
---> DK: interesting when i read this because it made me want to read the story of Joan of Arc. She was later labelled a witch i believe.


[passage]
"Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Dante ... I didn't make a full list, since what you were interested in was the boy's prophecy. What was his name by the way?"
"You don't know him, and since you've nearly always got another appointment to go to, perhaps you'd better just finish your explanation."
"All right. Medical scientists who study the Bible are sure that the apostle Paul was an epileptic. They base this on the fact that, on the road to Damascus he saw a brilliant light near him which caused him to fall to the ground, leaving him temporarily blind and unable to eat or drink for some days. In medical terms, this is known as 'temporal lobe epilepsy'.
"I don't think the church would agree."
"I'm not even sure that i agree, but that's what the medical literature says. Other epileptics develop their self-destructuve side, as was the case of Van Gogh. He described his convulsions as 'the storm within'. In Saint-Remy, where the was a patient, one of the nurses saw him having a convulsive seizure."
"At least he managed in his paintings to transform his self-destruction into a reconstruction of the world."
"Some people suspect that Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland in order to describe his own experiences of epilepsy. The story at the beginning of the book, when Alice falls down a black hole, is an experience familiar to most epileptics. During her journey through Wonderland, Alice often sees things flying and she herself feels very light. - another very precise description of the effects of an epileptic attack."
"So it would seem epileptics have a propensity for art."
"Not at all, it's just that beacuase artists tend to become famous, art and epilepsy become linked in people's minds. Literature is full of examples of writers with a suspected or confirmed diagnosis of epilepsy: Moliere, Edgar Allan Poe, Flaubert.... Dostoevsky had his first attack when he was 9 years old, and said that it brought him moments when he felt utterly at peace with the world as well as moments of terrible depression...."
189
---> DK: just more names to the list of epileptics in the past who were also among the greats. Especially the apostle Paul's possible story.

[passage]
One day, I'm going to write a travel guide containing only maps and addresses of hotels, and with the rest of the pages blank. That way people will have to make their own itinerary, to discover for themselves restaurants, monuments, and all the magnificent things that every city has, but which are never mentioned because "the history we have been taught" does not include them under the heading THings You Must See."
192

[passage]
"I don't know. I think love and dependency go hand in hand."
"Possibly. But let's suppose that instead of writing A Time to Rend and a Time to Sew, which is really just a letter to a woman who is far away, i had chosen a different plot, for example, a husband and wife who have been together for ten years. They used to make love every day, now they only make love once a week, but that doesn't really matter because there is no solidarity, mutual support, companionship. He feels sad when has to have supper alone because she is working late. She hates it when he has to go away, but accepts that it is part of his job. They feel that something is missing, but they are both grown-ups, they are both mature people, and they know how important it is to keep their relationship stable, even if only for the children's sake. They devote more and more time to work and to the children, they think less and less about their marriage. Everything appears to be going really well, and there's certainly no other man or woman in their lives.
"Yet they sense that something is wrong. They can't quite put their finger on the problem. As time passes, they grow more and more dependent on each other; they are getting older; any opportunities to make a new life are vanishing fast. They try to keep busy doing reading or emroidery, watching television, seeing friends but there is always the conversation over supper or after supper. He is easily irritated, she is more silent than usual. THey can see that they are growing further and further apart, but cannot understand why. They reach the conclusion that this is what marriage is like, but won't talk to their friends about it; they are the image of the happy couple who support each other and share the same interests. She takes a lover, so does he, but it's never anything serious of course. What is important, necessary, essential, is to act as if nothing is happening, because it's too late to change."
195
---DK: such a great passage that summarizes the lack of foresight of people when they marry. Don't all of them end up in the same place when they don't marry the right person who makes them happy? ie. they sell out or just settle for a comfortable life??

[passage]
I place one foot on the surface, the whole sheet of ice moves, but does not crack. With one eye on the rising sun, I make a kind of wager with God: if i manage to reach the clumn and come back without the ice cracking, that will be a sign that i am on the right path, and that his hand is showing me where I should go.
"You'll fall in the water."
"So? The worst that can happen is that I'll get a bit cold, but the hotel isn't far away and I won't have to suffer for long."
I put my other foot on the ice: I am now in the fountain. The ice breaks away from the edges and a little water laps onto the surface of the ice, but the ice does not break. I set off toward the column. It's only about four meters there and back, and all i risk is getting a very cold bath. HOwever, I mustn't think about what might happen: I've taken the first step and I must continue to the end.
I reach the column, touch it with my hand, hear everything around me creaking, but I'm still on the ice. My first instinct is to run back, but something tells me that if i do that, my steps will become heavier, firmer, and I'll fall into the water. I must walk back slowly, at the same pace.
The sun is rising ahead of me; it dazzles me slightly. I can see only Marie's silhouette and the shapes of the buildings and the trees. The sheet of ice keeps shifting, water spills over on to the surface, but i know - with absolute certainty - that i will reach the edge. I am in communion with the day, with my choices, I know the limits of the frozen water; I know how to deal with it, how to ask for its help, to keep me from falling. I begin to enter a kind o trance, a euphoric state; I am a child again, doing something that is wrong, forbidden, but which gives me enormous pleasure. Wonderful! Crazy pacts with God, along the lines of "If I manage to do this, then so and so will happen," signs provoked not by anything that comes form outside, but by instinct, by my capacity to forget the old rules and create new situations.
197
---> DK: I remember i would always make pacts with God when I was child that were as ridiculous as this passage.

[passage]
All that will disappear. What remains will be the love that moves the heavens, the stars, people, flowers, insects, the love that obliges us all to walk across the ice despite the danger, that fills us with joy and with fear, and gives meaning to everything. I touch the edge of the fountain, a hand reaches out to me, I grab hold of it, and Marie helps to steady me as I step down.
"I'm proud of you I would never do anything like that."
"Not so long ago I wouldn't have either, it seems so childish, irresponsible, unnecessary, pointless. But I am being reborn and I need to take new risks."
"The morning light is obviously good for you: you're talking like a wise man."
"No wise man would do what I've just done."
198

[passage]
The idea that love leads to happiness is a modern invention, dating from the end of the 17th century. Ever since then, people have been taught to believe that love should last forever and that marriage is the best place in which to exercise that love. In the past, there was less optimism about the longevity of passion. Romeo and Juliet isn't a happy story, its a tragedy. In the last few decades, expectations about marriage as the road to personal fulfillment have grown considerably as have disappointment and dissatisfaction.
204

[passage]
THe acomodador or giving up point: there is always an event in our lives that is responsible for us failing to progress: a trauma, a particularly bitter defeat, a disappointment in love, even a victory that we did not quite understand, can make cowards of us and prevent us from moving on. As part of the process his hidden powers, the shaman must first free himself from that giving-up point and, to do so, he must review his whole life and find out where it occurred.

The acomodador. This fit in with my experience of learning archery - the only sport I enjoyed - for the teacher of archery says that no shot can ever be repeated, and there is no point trying to learn from good or bad shots. What matters is repeating it hundreds of times, until we have freed ourselves from the idea of hitting the target and have ourselves become the arrow, the bow, the target. At that moment, the energy of the "thing" (my teacher of kyudo - the form of Japanese archery I practiced - never used the word "God") guides our movements and then we begin to release the arrow not when we want to, but when the "thing" believes that the moment has come.
205

[passage]
THe acomodador. For two years, I tried to learn how to play the guitar. To begin with, I made rapid progress, but then reached a point where I could progress no further, because I discovered that other people were learning faster than I was, which made me feel mediocre; and so as not to have to feel ashamed, I decided that I was no longer interested in learning. The same thing happened with snooker, football, bicycle racing. I learned enough to do everything reasonably well, but there was always a point where I got stuck.
Why?
Because according to the story we are told, there always comes a moment in our lives when we reach "our limit". I often recalled my struggle to deny my destiny as a writer and how Esther had always refused to allow the acomodador to lay down rules for my dream. The paragraph I had just read fit in with the idea of forgetting one's personal hisotry and being left only with the instinct that develops out of the various difficulties and tragedies one has experienced. THis is what the shamans of Mexico did and what the nomads on the steppes of Central Asia preached.
The acomodador: there is always an event in our lives that is responsible for us failing to progress.
206

[passage]
I describe how difficult it was to write A Time to Rend and a Time to Sew, and that there are many parts of the book which I myself am only beginning to understand now, as I reread it, as if the created thing were always greater and more generous than its creator.
213

[passage]
But I resisted the temptation and tried to get through that moment, discovering, in the process, that there is nothing worse than the feeling no one cares whether we exist or not, that no one is interested in what we have to say about life, and that the world can continue turning without our awkward presence.
"I began to imagine how many millions of people were, at that moment, feeling utterly useless and wretched - however rich, charming, and delightful they might be - because they were alone that night, as they were yesterday, and as they might well be tomorrow. Students with no one to go out with, older people sitting in front of the TV as if it were their sole salvation, businessmen in their hotel rooms, wondering if what they were doing made any sense, women who spent the afternoon carefully applying their makeup and doing their hair in order to go to a bar only to pretend that they're not looking for company; all they want is confirmation that they're still attractive; the men ogle them and chat them up, but the women reject them all disdainfully, because they feel inferior and are afraid the men will find out that they're single mothers or lowly clerks with nothing to say about what's going on in the world because they work from dawn to dusk to scrape a living and have no time to read the newspapers. People who look at themselves in the mirror and think themselves ugly, believing that being beautiful is what really matters, and spend their time reading magazines in which everyone is pretty, rich and famous. Husbands and wives who wish they could talk over supper as they used to, but there are always other things demanding their attention, more important things, and the conversation can always wait for a tomorrow that never comes.
213

[passage]
I didn't leave because I was feeling free, doing things I hadn't done for years, opening up a space in my soul for new experiences, driving the acomodador out of my life, experiencing things that might not interest me very much, but which were at least different.
220

[passage]
"If you want to know why the tape is there, you'll have to give me a euro. Everything in life has its price, as you know better than anyone. And information is one of the most expensive products in the world."
No one in the group came to my aid, so I had to pay him a euro for his answer.
"The tape is here because we put it there. As you can see, there are no repairs going on at all, just a stupid orange-and-white tape blocking the stupid pavement. But no one asks what it's doing there; they step off the pavement, walk along the road at the risk of being knocked down, and get back on farther up. By the way, I read somewhere that you had an accident. Is that true?"
"Yes I did, and all because I stepped off the pavement."
223

[passage]
The Zahir was a fixation on everything that had been passed from generation to generation; it left no question unanswered; it took up all the space; it never allowed us even to consider the possibility that things could change.

... People who are different are dangerous, they belong to another tribe; they want our lands and our women.
We must marry, have children reproduce the species.
Love is only a small thing, enough for one person, and any suggestion that the heart might be larger than this is considered perverse.
When we marry, we are authorized to take possession of the other person, body and soul.
We must do jobs we detest because we are part of an organized society, and if everyone did what they wanted to do, the world would come to a standstill.
We must buy jewelry; it identifies us with our tribe, just as body piercing identifies those of a different tribe.
We must be amusing at all times and sneer at those who express their real feelings' it's dangerous for a tribe to allow its members to show their feelings.
We must at all costs avoid saying no because people prefer those who always say yes, and this allows us to survive in hostile territory.
What other people think is more important than what we feel.
Never make a fuss - it might attract the attention of an enemy tribe.
IF you behave differently, you will be expelled from the tribe because you could infect others and destroy something that was extremely difficult to organize in the first place.
We must always consider the look of our new cave, and if we don't have a clear idea of our own, then we must call in a decorator who will do his best to show others what good taste we have.
WE must eat three meals a day, even if we're not hungry, and when we fail to fit the current ideal of beauty we must fast, even if we're starving.
We must dress according to the dictates of fashion, make love whether we feel like it or not, kill in the name of our country, wish time away so that retirement comes more quickly, elect politicians, complain about the cost of living, change our hairstyle, criticize anyone who is different, go to a religious service on Sunday, Saturday or Friday, depending on our religion, and there beg forgiveness for our sins and puff ourselves up with pride because we know the truth and despise the other tribe, who worship a false god.
Our children must follow in our footsteps; after all, we are older and know about the world.
We must have a university degree even if we never get a job in the area of knowledge we were forced to study.
We must study things that we will never use, but which someone told us were important to know: algebra, trigonometry, the code of Hammurabi.
We must never make our parents sad, even if this means giving up everything that makes us happy.
We must play music quietly, talk quietly, weep in private, because I am the all-powerful Zahir, who lays down the rules and determines the distance between railway tracks, the meaning of success, the best way to love, the importance of rewards.
230

[passage]
"Why do I write? The real answer is this: I write because I want to be loved."
The journalist eyed me suspiciously: What kind of confession was this?
"I write because when I was an adolescent, I was useless at football, I didn't have a car or much of an allowance, and I was pretty much of a weed."
I was making a huge effort to keep talking. The conversation with Marie had reminded me of a past that no longer made any sense; I needed to talk about my real personal history, in order to become free of it. I went on:
"I didn't wear trendy clothes either. That's all the girls in my class were interested in, and so they just ignored me. At night, when my friends were out with their girlfriends, I spent my free time creating a world in which I could be happy: my companions were writers and their books. One day, I wrote a poem for one of the girls in the street where I lived. A friend found the poem in my room and stole it, and when we were all together, he showed it to the entire class. Everyone laughed. They thought it was ridiculous - I was in love!
"The only one who didn't laugh was the girl I wrote the poem for. The following evening, when we went to the theater, she managed to fix things so that she sat next to me, and she held my hand. We left the theater hand in hand. There was ugly, puny, untrendy me strolling along with the girl all the boys in the class fancied."
243

[passage]
"Well it's been in existence since the beginning of civilization, but it was only officially set down in 1933 by a Danish writer. In the small town of Jante, the powers that be came up with 10 commandments telling people how they should behave, and it seems to exist not only in Jante, but everywhere else too. If I had to sum it up in one sentence, I'd say: 'Mediocrity and anonymity are the safest choice. If you opt for them, you'll never face any major problems in life. But if you try to be different....' "
"I'd like to know what these Jante commandments are," said the journalist who seemed genuinely interested.
"I don't have them here, but I can summarize if you like."
I went over to my computer and printed out a condensed and edited version.
"You are nobody, never even dare to think that you know more than we do. You are of no importance, you can do nothing right, your work is of no significance, but as long as you never challenge us, you will live a happy life. Always take what we say seriously and never laugh at our opinions."
The journalist folded up the piece of paper and put it in his pocket.
"You're right. IF you're a nobody, if your work has no impact, then it deserves to be praised. If, however, you climb out of that state of mediocrity and are a success, then you're defying the law and deserve to be punished."
244

[passage]
A warrior of light knows that he has much to be grateful for.
He was helped in his struggle by the angels, celestial forces placed each thing in its place, thus allowing him to give of his best. That is why, at sunset, he kneels and gives thanks for the Protective Cloak surrounding him.
His companions say: 'He's so lucky!' But he knows that "luck" is knowing to look around him and to see where his friends are, because it was through their words that the angels were able to make themselves heard.
247

[passage]
I know that all the women at the gala supper will be wearing outfits designed to make their breasts and curves the center of attention, and that their husbands or boyfriends, knowing that their wives or girlfriends are desired by other men will think: "All right, have a good look, but keep your distance, because she's with me, she's mine. I'm better than you are, because I have something you'd all like to have."
249

While we wait for the taxi, I draw up a list of possible topics of conversation:
(a) Comments about people's appearance: "You're looking very elegant." "What a beautiful dress." "Your skin's looking fabulous." WHen they go back home, they'll say how badly dressed everyone was and how ill they looked.
(b) Recent holidays: "You must visit Aruba, its fantastic." "There's nothing like a summer night in Cancun sipping a martini by the seashore." In fact no one enjoys themselves very much on these holidays, they just experience a sense of freedom for a few days and feel obliged to enjoy themselves because they spent all that money.
(c) More holidays, this time to places which they feel free to criticize: "I was in Rio de Janeiro recently - such a violent city." "The poverty in the streets of Calcutta is really shocking." They only wen tto these places in order to feel powerful while they were there and privileged when they came back to the mean reality of their little lives, where at least there is no poverty or violence.
(d) New therapies: "Just one week of drinking wheatgrass juice really improves the texture of your hair" "I spent two days at a spa in Biarritz; the water there opens the pores and eliminates toxins." THe following week, they will discover that wheatgrass has absolutely no special properties and that any old hot water will open up pores and eliminate toxins.
(e) Other people: "I haven't seen so and so in ages - what's he up to? "I understand what's her name is in financial difficulties and has had to sell her apartment." They can talk about the people who weren't invited to the party in question, they can criticize all they like, as long as they end by saying, with an innocent, pitying air: "Still, he / she's a wonderful person."
(f) A few little complaints about life, just to add savor to the evening: "I wish something new would happen in my life." "I'm so worried about my children, they never listen to proper music or read proper literature." They wait for comments from other people with the same problem and then feel less alone and leave the party happy.
(g) At intellectual gatherings, like the one this evening we will discuss the Middle East conflict, the problem with Islamism, the latest exhibition, the latest philosophy guru, the fantastic book that no one has heard of, the fact that music isn't what it used to be; we will offer our intelligent, sensible opinions, which run completely counter to our real feelings - because we all know how much we hate having to go those exhibitions, read those unbearable books, or see those dreary films, just so that we will have something to talk about on nights like tonight.

[passage]
"No, I don't need your help. I'm just surprised by certain coincidences. It seems there are a lot of people, all over the world, who are becoming aware of the same thing and acting in a very similar way."
"The first thing you feel, when you set out on a journey like this , is that you'll never arrive. Then you feel insecure, abandoned, and spend all your time thinking about giving up. But if you can last a week, then you'll make it to the end."
268

[passage]
A sense of paradise descends from the skies. And I am aware that I am living through an unforgettable moment in my life; it is the kind of awareness we often have precisely when the magic moment has passed. I am entirely here, without past, without future, entirely focused on the morning, on the music of the horses' hooves, on the gentleness of the wind caressing my body, on the unexpected grace of contemplating sky, earth, men. I feel a sense of adoration and ecstasy. I am thankful for being alive. I pray quietly, listening to the voice of nature, and understanding that the invisible world always manifests itself in the visible world.
I ask the sky some questions, the same questions I used to ask my mother when I was a child:
Why do we love certain people and hate others?
Where do we go after we die?
Why are we born, if in the end, we die?
What does God mean?
272

[passage]
As soon as the sun began to sink low on the horizon, we went to an area on the steppes that was full of vast sand dunes. I became aware of a different sound, a kind of resonance, an intense vibration. Mikhail said that it was one of the few places in the world where the dunes sing.
"When I was in Paris and i talked to people about this, they only believed me because an American said that he experienced the same thing in North Africa; there are only 30 places like it in the world. Nowadays, of course, scientists can explain everything. It seems that because of the place's unique formation, the wind penetrates the actual grains of sand and creates this sound.
278

[passage]
"I want to tell you something, Mikhail. I too have travelled back and forth between many contradictions since I first met you. I began by hating you, then I accepted you, and as I've followed in your footsteps, that acceptance has become respect. You're still young, and the powerlessness you feel is perfectly normal. I don't know how many people your work has touched so far, but I can tell you one thing: you changed my life."
"You were only interested in finding your wife."
"I still am, but that didn't just make me travel across the Kazakhstan steppes: it made me travel through the whole of my past life. I saw where I was wrong, I saw where I stopped, I saw the moment when I lost Esther, the moment that the Mexican Indians call the Acomodador - the giving up point. I experienced things I never imagined I would experience at my age. And all because you were by my side, guiding me, even though you might not have been aware that you were. And do you know something else? I believe that you do hear voices and that you did have visions when you were a child. I have always believed in many things, and now I believe even more."
283

[passage]
I am filthy. My clothes and my face are caked with sand, my body drenched in sweat, even though it's very cold.
I worry about my appearance, the most superficial thing in the world, as if I had made this long journey to my personal Ithaca merely in order to show my new clothes. As I walk the remaining hundred meters, I must make an effort to think of all the important things that have happened to her - or was it my? - absence.
289



Freedom
to open up that which you did not know you had
and in turn open up an aspect of truth unveiled for all of mankind
to try and pursue your own happiness
to become separated from that which you thought you loved
but found out later that you did not love at all and then again
later find out that you did love
Free to be wretchedly alone
and when you are not alone you lack freedom and is a form of suffering
Free to realize that loneliness is an illusion because it is suffering,
but that suffering is an illusion
because nothing exists except the present
because the past and the future are an illusion
so says the enlightened one

O, how does one become truly free?
Free to live in the present, to be free of the past and of the future
Free after enlightenment
Free to soar to the heights of your potential
Free to open up your imagination to any and all things
to travel beyond our earth and into the universe
past our galaxy of milk and beyond and ask your self is the infinite finite
Do we all just live in a thought that was predetermined and freedom is just an illusion in the grand scheme of the infinite
Free to think and connect and reconnect and link everything
Free to read about the history of mankind
Free to find yourself in others that had lived in the past
Free to shape your destiny in any way shape or form you would like
only to find that you ultimately have no control over your own destiny

Freedom from the circle of duty
Freedom from the circle of tradition
Freedom from the circle of the expectation of reciprocity
Freedom from family
Freedom from duty to do a repetitive task all day long
Freedom from work

How free is the baby bird when she breathes air outside of the eggshell?
How free is a baby when she is out of water and breathes air for the first time
outside of her mother's womb?
How free is the tadpole when he changes shape and breathes air for the first time
after he has grown legs and lungs and leaps onto land?
How free is a seed when it finally grows and first feels the sun when it comes out of the soil?
How free is the butterfly when it has been caccooned for so long?
How free are the horses when the run and run and run with the wind in front of them and no saddle on their back?

How wide is the wing span of an eagle?


Look up Joan of Arc
Look up the Italian Renaissance of the 15 and 16th centuries.


Ithaca
When you set out on your journey to Ithaca
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge,
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your hear heart does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, whn,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would never have set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

Constantine Cavafy (1863 - 1933)